Chronic illness, quarantine, and social expectations.

I think there’s one thing that everyone can agree on, and that’s the fact that we’re living in strange times. Toilet paper is being hoarded, airports are empty, and birthday’s are being celebrated on a conferencing app. With the majority of people self isolating and working from home, they’ve found themselves with free time on their hands to try and occupy themselves. Images of perfectly organised Tupperware cupboards are filling my feed, and new “At Home Workout” videos are making their way across the internet. Despite the fact that I’m still working like normal (essential worker over here), I still feel the need to try and achieve these new feats like everyone else.

While the past three years my health has improved, I’m still burdened with the effects of chronic illness. Between brain surgery number one and two I was on an incomprehensible amount of medications for my autoimmune condition, and pain medications around the clock. Now, post-surgery number two, I’m only two daily and then a once a month injection. Despite the fact that I had improvement in my health, I’ve shown a decline in the past few months. I’ve been tracking my headaches to see how a new medication is helping and initially I had some major success, but looking back at the past two months I’m shocked as to how I’m even working.

There’s been more days where I’m stuck in the tunnel of pain, struggling to even figure out which way is up. I’ve had to contemplate if it’s worth going to the hospital for stronger pain relief and risk getting sick, or do I stay at home and wait for the eventual relief. Then there have been days where I’m at a tolerable level of pain, and it’s on those days where I feel the most guilty. I see friends accomplishing their wardrobe cleanouts, working out twice a day, or baking up a storm. For me that’s not possible. I know my reality and I know if I push myself too far I’ll have major payback. So, I sit in a messy room and feel guilty. I wonder when I started measuring my accomplishments by tidy cupboards, new crafts, and workouts.

I’m still working and studying, but I’m also dealing with chronic pain and getting headaches more often than not. So I’m taking this time of quarantine to listen to my body, because for a while I was ignoring the signs it was showing and it has ultimatley left me worse off. My doctors are aware of this rise in headaches and it may be time for another MRI to check that everything’s okay. But for now, the cupboards are messy, I haven’t worked out in a month, and there’s no new art pieces in the house, and I’m okay with that.