You’d think I’d learn by now

As a chronically ill person (that still sounds weird) you begin to understand how much your body you can and cannot do. You realise that even though you once had energy to spare, everyday tasks can tire you out when you’re having a bad day. As someone who has always been active and aiming for the top in the sports I do, this has been the hardest thing for me to understand. I get angry at myself when my body can’t handle too much of anything, because really, at 18, I should be staying out till all hours of the morning. I should be sneaking out with friends, and worrying my mum about where I am, rather than if this headache will be the last. It’s a hard thought to put out there, but it’s the truth. My gran died from a brain aneurysm when she fell asleep because she wanted to “sleep off the headache”. It’s something I constantly do! Have a shower, a cup of tea, and then go to bed to sleep it off, and I know that that thought is constantly in my mother’s mind.

But back to the point at hand, my body is retaliating at the moment for putting it through too much. Friday I had diving in the evening, after being up early for physio in the morning. On Saturday, despite knowing I was going to be having a long day, I went to training that morning, then went straight to work, and to top it off, I went out that evening for my sister’s birthday. It was one of the longest days I had had in a while, it started at 7 and finished at 11:30 that evening, but I had been feeling good recently, so thought I could handle it. Sunday my day began with work at 7:30, and Monday and Tuesday I had work at 6 in the morning. Honestly, it doesn’t sound too bad, but by Tuesday afternoon, I could feel the headache coming on. By 6:30 that evening mum had given me the oxycodone so I could be put out of the pain. And now, on Wednesday, I’m still paying for it.


My whole life I’ve always waited for the other shoe to drop. My mum has constantly told me not to think like that, that it’s not healthy, but we learn from the past. Isn’t that why they teach history in school? With chiari, it’s been no different. I’m always waiting for the next flare of headaches, of the immense fatigue, of the numbness that’ll hit at random times. Even as I’m writing this, it feels like there are white hot nails stabbing into the left side of my skull. It’s been there for 24 hours straight. But in the grand scheme of things, I had fun on the weekend. I got to have dinner in the city with amazing people. I laughed until my stomach hurt. I felt like a teenager. And yes, I’m paying for it now, and I’ll probably be in bed by 8:30, but sometimes it’s worth it, especially when it comes to family.

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